got a lot to say. but so little time. be back soon!

loving lauryn hill's "i gotta find peace of mind"

this song makes me feel so serene.

The beginning of Seniority

Here goes the 5th day of Senior year, and I'm already sitting here thinking how much of a jumble my mind is in. So many things to do, so little time. Well, that's what it feels like. SAT's and ACT's are eating at my brain, even though I don't plan to take it until around early November. Now I know I have to prepare for it and be ready. The one that comes first is October 18th or somewhere around there, but I've decided I'll wait until my brain gets back on track. I finally got my classes switched around. I have a full schedule this semester, so next semester I will only have 3 classes (at the least), which is what my goal was. Second semester should be looking like school during the morning and work in the afternoon. How would that work with JROTC being 6th hour? I'll make it work somehow. Now that that's out of the way ... 

Everything here is just chill. It is almost just dull to me. I know I was really excited, and I am happy to be back in school. Maybe I'm just waiting for everything to pop off immediately, but with school just barely getting back in, not everybody is moving as fast as I am. 

...in school & gotta go. class is almost over, i`ll finish this later.

This song is so nice. Pretty Wings by Maxwell. I have been listening to it non-stop for the past few days, it's been the main track in my lonesome pity party. Today it rains ... I think that's the end of the sunshine. Where is it when you really need it? So, my sister is coming up here from Fresno to get herself together, because Fresno wasn't doing as well as she thought it would. Well, it never really served her well for a while, in my opinion. She was doing better here, it's just that her and my mom bump heads too much. I'm also bumping heads with my mom, the level of understanding is just not the same. I wish we had a better relationship, but sometimes I just don't know how to get her to understand what I'm saying and my point of view. I can understand her, but she can't understand me. That's how I feel about it, anyway. I mean, I shut myself out from her lately because I feel neglected in a way. The fact that she told me she'd keep the Eclipse for me and then she lets her husband's son use it for work, gets mad about it, then unreasonably decides to sell it. Then she decides to buy a ticket for Darly & give her the car. I needed that car for my Senior year too. I hate depending on people to take me places, here & there. I hate it. It makes me feel stupid, like here I am all independent in making money and work and school and shit like that, but I don't have my own ride. It's just the fact that I feel like I've been here with my mom forever and I hardly ever ask her for anything, and she can't even give me a car but she'll give it to the other daughter who's done her wrong so many times (no hard feeilngs towards my sister) ... & then there's the whole doubting thing about me and my future. I don't knwo why, my mom has never seen me at my best. She always sees me at my worst, and/or less than best. She's the only person who thinks I won't succeed in life. And it hurts to know that.

Anyways, Darly's coming back up so it's a good thing. I won't be as lonely anymore. I feel like it's time for me to go MIA. After this number shuts down and I get my new one, I'll probably just keep to myself for a lil while. I don't want to, but I might not go through with it. Everytime I try to go MIA and keep on the low, it never works because I always get lonely and want to be aorund people or with someone. But Darly's coming, so now I have a companion, not just a companion but she's my sister and everytime we've lived together we've always bumped heads. But that's when we were younger and I thought she was the most horrible person in the world. We've grown, and so now I'm curious as to how it's going to be. If anything, she'll be my backbone and I'll be hers.

sticks and stones

Words have always affected me badly. It's always been easy to get to me through saying anything and everything. I'm easily offended, amused, pissed, etc ...

Which is why even though you aren't supposed to mean anything to me anymore, which you do, and you always will ... It still hurts. What you said.

You never said sorry.

You were the last person who I thought would ever say anything like that to me. And you are the first person, besides Michelle Rivera, (and how funny you two are so tight with each other now), that has said anything that cruel to me...

It still hurts ... and I'm still trying to deal with it. I'm still crying about it, I'm still thinking about it. Even though I didn't hear it come out of your mouth, and even though it was stupid little texts ... they still caused a tremendous amount of pain.

All I could think is "How could you?"

Everything has been looking up, but for various reasons I've been so unhappy.

Even though I got money coming in, even though school's back in, it doesn't take my mind off of every other little situation going on in my life right now.

Recently, things have changed tremendously.

-New JROTC teachers

-The rumble, the loss of "her" (not that it was that big of a loss to me)

-Losing him because of something someone said and did

It all ties in together. Everything does. If it weren't for her, if it werent' for him, if it weren't for them ... I wish I had never talked to her again. I wish they didn't work together. I wish they didn't talk. I wish I never went to that party. I wish I never got drunk and passed out. I wish no one had ever said anything, and just kept everything quiet like I chose to.

I actually just wish I had never met either of them, or the people who go along with it.

This whole summer was so ... overwhelmingly eventful and veryfucking CRAZY. I don't know how to explain it anyhow. I hope the summer does not mirror the image of what my Senior year will be like. Maybe now that I am in school again and actually have important things to prioritize on my list, I won't involve myself in such ways that will make me feel this way.

It's impossible to be completely happy right now. I try and try to put a smile on and act like everything is okay, but really they are not. I wish I wasn't affected like this. I wish I could just be stronger and look over it, and move on to the future. For now, that won't work. I have this gut feeling in my stomach and it feels indescribable, not in a good way either.

Honestly, her...

sometimes i don't even know what to think anymore. i wish i knew what was running through people's minds. these days i catch too many who don't know how to jus be real & say it. "say whatcha need to say" as john mayer said.

i always feel like what i'm saying to this person isn't being believed. and i guess part of it is my fault cos of what happened before. but i really do find it hard to trust you again.

shit i ain't trying to get let down and/or fuck another friendship or relationship up. sorry i have problems of my own already. but it doesn't help that you and i don't see eye to eye on a lot of things & have two different mind sets.

i won't elaborate on that.

...

i don't see the pretty side of you anymore. maybe the first night, cos there was that wonder lingering in the air & something just had to be done about it, but ... now? i feel totally opposite. like, i know i could have you but i don't want you cos you're not appealing to me anymore. i know your true colors, and they're ugly to me. i couldn't stand to be with someone who makes people feel low and disgusting about themselves. verbal abuse is way over the top. i'm glad your life is full of "entertainment", i would call it.

i'll just leave it at that.