The beginning of Seniority

Here goes the 5th day of Senior year, and I'm already sitting here thinking how much of a jumble my mind is in. So many things to do, so little time. Well, that's what it feels like. SAT's and ACT's are eating at my brain, even though I don't plan to take it until around early November. Now I know I have to prepare for it and be ready. The one that comes first is October 18th or somewhere around there, but I've decided I'll wait until my brain gets back on track. I finally got my classes switched around. I have a full schedule this semester, so next semester I will only have 3 classes (at the least), which is what my goal was. Second semester should be looking like school during the morning and work in the afternoon. How would that work with JROTC being 6th hour? I'll make it work somehow. Now that that's out of the way ... 

Everything here is just chill. It is almost just dull to me. I know I was really excited, and I am happy to be back in school. Maybe I'm just waiting for everything to pop off immediately, but with school just barely getting back in, not everybody is moving as fast as I am. 

...in school & gotta go. class is almost over, i`ll finish this later.

This song is so nice. Pretty Wings by Maxwell. I have been listening to it non-stop for the past few days, it's been the main track in my lonesome pity party. Today it rains ... I think that's the end of the sunshine. Where is it when you really need it? So, my sister is coming up here from Fresno to get herself together, because Fresno wasn't doing as well as she thought it would. Well, it never really served her well for a while, in my opinion. She was doing better here, it's just that her and my mom bump heads too much. I'm also bumping heads with my mom, the level of understanding is just not the same. I wish we had a better relationship, but sometimes I just don't know how to get her to understand what I'm saying and my point of view. I can understand her, but she can't understand me. That's how I feel about it, anyway. I mean, I shut myself out from her lately because I feel neglected in a way. The fact that she told me she'd keep the Eclipse for me and then she lets her husband's son use it for work, gets mad about it, then unreasonably decides to sell it. Then she decides to buy a ticket for Darly & give her the car. I needed that car for my Senior year too. I hate depending on people to take me places, here & there. I hate it. It makes me feel stupid, like here I am all independent in making money and work and school and shit like that, but I don't have my own ride. It's just the fact that I feel like I've been here with my mom forever and I hardly ever ask her for anything, and she can't even give me a car but she'll give it to the other daughter who's done her wrong so many times (no hard feeilngs towards my sister) ... & then there's the whole doubting thing about me and my future. I don't knwo why, my mom has never seen me at my best. She always sees me at my worst, and/or less than best. She's the only person who thinks I won't succeed in life. And it hurts to know that.

Anyways, Darly's coming back up so it's a good thing. I won't be as lonely anymore. I feel like it's time for me to go MIA. After this number shuts down and I get my new one, I'll probably just keep to myself for a lil while. I don't want to, but I might not go through with it. Everytime I try to go MIA and keep on the low, it never works because I always get lonely and want to be aorund people or with someone. But Darly's coming, so now I have a companion, not just a companion but she's my sister and everytime we've lived together we've always bumped heads. But that's when we were younger and I thought she was the most horrible person in the world. We've grown, and so now I'm curious as to how it's going to be. If anything, she'll be my backbone and I'll be hers.

sticks and stones

Words have always affected me badly. It's always been easy to get to me through saying anything and everything. I'm easily offended, amused, pissed, etc ...

Which is why even though you aren't supposed to mean anything to me anymore, which you do, and you always will ... It still hurts. What you said.

You never said sorry.

You were the last person who I thought would ever say anything like that to me. And you are the first person, besides Michelle Rivera, (and how funny you two are so tight with each other now), that has said anything that cruel to me...

It still hurts ... and I'm still trying to deal with it. I'm still crying about it, I'm still thinking about it. Even though I didn't hear it come out of your mouth, and even though it was stupid little texts ... they still caused a tremendous amount of pain.

All I could think is "How could you?"

Everything has been looking up, but for various reasons I've been so unhappy.

Even though I got money coming in, even though school's back in, it doesn't take my mind off of every other little situation going on in my life right now.

Recently, things have changed tremendously.

-New JROTC teachers

-The rumble, the loss of "her" (not that it was that big of a loss to me)

-Losing him because of something someone said and did

It all ties in together. Everything does. If it weren't for her, if it werent' for him, if it weren't for them ... I wish I had never talked to her again. I wish they didn't work together. I wish they didn't talk. I wish I never went to that party. I wish I never got drunk and passed out. I wish no one had ever said anything, and just kept everything quiet like I chose to.

I actually just wish I had never met either of them, or the people who go along with it.

This whole summer was so ... overwhelmingly eventful and veryfucking CRAZY. I don't know how to explain it anyhow. I hope the summer does not mirror the image of what my Senior year will be like. Maybe now that I am in school again and actually have important things to prioritize on my list, I won't involve myself in such ways that will make me feel this way.

It's impossible to be completely happy right now. I try and try to put a smile on and act like everything is okay, but really they are not. I wish I wasn't affected like this. I wish I could just be stronger and look over it, and move on to the future. For now, that won't work. I have this gut feeling in my stomach and it feels indescribable, not in a good way either.

Honestly, her...

sometimes i don't even know what to think anymore. i wish i knew what was running through people's minds. these days i catch too many who don't know how to jus be real & say it. "say whatcha need to say" as john mayer said.

i always feel like what i'm saying to this person isn't being believed. and i guess part of it is my fault cos of what happened before. but i really do find it hard to trust you again.

shit i ain't trying to get let down and/or fuck another friendship or relationship up. sorry i have problems of my own already. but it doesn't help that you and i don't see eye to eye on a lot of things & have two different mind sets.

i won't elaborate on that.

...

i don't see the pretty side of you anymore. maybe the first night, cos there was that wonder lingering in the air & something just had to be done about it, but ... now? i feel totally opposite. like, i know i could have you but i don't want you cos you're not appealing to me anymore. i know your true colors, and they're ugly to me. i couldn't stand to be with someone who makes people feel low and disgusting about themselves. verbal abuse is way over the top. i'm glad your life is full of "entertainment", i would call it.

i'll just leave it at that.

feel good hit of the summer

MSG Perry, Me & Casey Waters

The past few days have been spent busting my ass at work, but I know that when my next paycheck comes, it will pay off. I don't know if it's a bad thing or not, but money really does make me happy. Just the fact that you know you've earned it on your own, and you can do whatever the hell you wanna do with it. Well, almost. Another four months for me until I can fully do what I really want to do with my money. As far as I know, though, I've always been managing my shit since the age of 14. I admit that I do have a little bit of a money spending problem, especially on food. If there is anything I need to work on, it's my spending habits. Especially if I'm in the process of trying to get MISSION: LAS VEGAS done. Oh yeah, I've decided that leaving the last week of December is not that possible for me at the moment, considering all the things I have to spend money on and the amount of money I'm making. So, I've decided that I'll go for another holiday next year, after New Years, that way it'd be more possible and I wouldn't go down there so broke!

I recently found out that MSG Perry has been forced to resign from his position at JROTC Instructor at East. I'm sad, torn up, & mad all at the same time. I know that it wasn't his decision to leave, if there was anything that he NEVER wanted to do (at this moment), it was leaving his children at JROTC. It makes me reconsider even going back for the fourth year. I know that's really ... childish of me to say. But I honestly do feel that way. JROTC is not just another elective class to me, it has been something that I've grown a deep passion & love for, which is why I put my all & my hard work into it, and MSG Perry has been there with me for the whole nine yards. Through all the times I would come to school down & out, crying, feeling hopeless, when I was busting my ass for the program, he was there, and he always made sure that I knew I was being appreciated. Which leads me to say that he has basically become the one & only father figure in my life since I started Freshman year. He's not dead or anything, I know, but him not being there for my Senior year is a big deal for me. Before Junior year ended, we all sat there talking about how great next year is going to be and how much we're going to do and what we had planned...that big shit was gonna be poppin & it was going to be one of the best years that JROTC ever had. It was enough that SFC Wilson left us, because he had grown on me too, he had grown to be another father figure in my life. And now they're both gone.

The question that still remains is: Will I stay or will I go?

I feel like if I leave, then I'm leaving the program hanging. I know for a fact that there are cadets that are partly depending on me to help the program excel. I've worked so hard for the position that I am in now, why give it up because MSG Perry left? I know he wouldn't want me to do that. I feel like if I leave the program, then I leave my cadets hanging, and I care for them way too much to leave them hanging like that, especially when I have a choice.

I will give the two new instructors (whoever they are) the benefit of the doubt, because anything is possible. Therefore it is very possible that these two new instructors will serve the program like MSG Perry & SFC Wilson did, or maybe even better. Maybe they will lead us into winning a drill season, maybe they will drive our new cadets to be more motivated, maybe ... just maybe. But all I can really do is sit here & see how it all goes. I still say though, no matter what, nobody will ever make an impact on the cadets & the program like MSG Perry did.

I'm just counting down the days til ...

#1. My road test

#2. Senior year starts

#3. Jenni's birthday

#4. AC's debut/18th birthday

#5. My 18th birthday/the day freedom completely rings for me

#6. Las Vegas w/ Lars

Time is just too expensive.

rescue you

THis song is probably one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard. I love Jake Epstein, I love Degrassi. I love this song, and I love Ellie Nash. =) Her character was so deserving of this song ... I wish this were written for me!

Venting.

One of the things that hurts the most is being doubted by the ones that we call family. For me, I get irritated at the thought and action of even being doubted to begin with. Especially when you work so hard for what you want and need & when you've workED so hard for all the things you've accomplished. I know that I sure as hell have accomplished a lot for a person my age, I'm confident in that. I know I've done other things that most other teenagers haven't done. I know my future is bright, and I know that I have a lot in store for me. But my own family can't see that. My family's thoughts of me are clouded by ancient relic visions of what my sister USED to be. There is a pro & a con to being the youngest sibling of the family. The pro is that you get to learn from your older sibling's mistakes, but the con is that you're always being told to not be what or do what your older siblings have done that are considered "bad". Growing up, I've always had to deal with being told NOT to be like my older sister because she was the problem child out of the three of us. Right now, my plans for my future are all set. I know what I want to do, all I have to do is just ONE THING: Graduate. And I know for damn sure that I am going to graduate, on time, and even early if I really wanted to do it. It's sad to think that my family thinks the complete opposite. Simultaneously, I am driven to succeed even more and I am being pushed away from them. This is bad. I feel almost like I have to get revenge on everybody for doubting me to begin with! I'm tired of getting voicemails that say I'm out messing around, and I'm never going to graduate. I'm going to drop out of school. I'm going to get married at a young age. I'm tired of it. When I look around everyday and see WORSE kids than me. I may not be perfect, but I sure as hell am not a problem child. Even though I branch out & do things that aren't acceptable to my family, I still have my head on straight and I am responsible for the shit that I do. Call me bad, call me whatever you want. I know what I am and I know who I will be in the future. It's just too bad that all this bullshit and doubting me is bringing me down so bad that I don't even want to be around the family anymore, not that they are around. It just makes me not want to talk to anybody anymore. So don't be surprised if I never called you back or picked up your phone call. I'm tired of hearing negative shit from the people who are supposed to keep me positive.

Presiden'ts Fooling You!

"SPRINKLE ME TIME"

--some info that may be useful for people who like them "thangs"

*for those who KNOW what I am talking about.

I got a text from a friend of mine, who said he had white, blue, & orange Obama thangs. Along with green Snoopies & green Smurfs. So I decided to search up on some reports on these "thangs" ... on a VERY USEFUL site that I stumbled upon.

In conclusion, I say DON'T DO IT. They are only piperazines, nothing that you want to consume. Although, the pressed faces on these Obama heads are cool as hell! I'd buy one just to keep as a little souvenir, ahha!

Whirlwind

I know it's been a hot minute since I've blogged in here, but I figured I would start back up again (not that I haven't been blogging on Myspace recently) but I like the feel of discreet blogging at this website.

It's crazy how things can be so good, then turn around & be the complete opposite. Dan & I broke up, with me being the main person to put things on hold & "take a break" for now. I had been thinking about everything we've gone through in the period of 2-3 months, and we've gone through a lot of things in such a short time. Our lives have definitely been more eventful the day that we decided to start to be a part of each other's lives. From day one, our loved ones hated on one another. A couple people out of his family perceived me as being something I really am not, and my mom got a bad first impression of him, and had to hear about us through other people besides her own daughter. But in the course of the 2-3 months, we have grown to love each other & continued to be with each other because the relationship was/is about us, not them.

Things have settled down since then, that was just the first part of our relationship. July proved to be a better month, but we haven't even made it to this 4th of August, and we're already broken up. Should I think this to be a mistake, or the right decision? Someone told me I was "fucked up" for breaking up with him, with the situation that he's in right now. That really got to me ... but nevertheless, I strongly feel that I made the right decision for US, together & individually. FYI, Dan is going through a hard time with living & financial situations. The whole point for me to put things on hold for the both of us was because I felt like we both needed our own personal time to get our shit back together. School will be coming up for me in a matter of two weeks, not to mention I will be working part time, and JROTC events will kill me as soon as I get in. It's time to get to work, and this last year counts very much for it has a lot to do with my future and what I'm about to do. Can you blame me for doing me? It's not just "doing me" either. I know Dan needs my moral support, but I'm still there for moral support. We literally spend everyday with each other & I have realized that it's a big distraction for him, and it causes him to not get what he needs to get done, done. I feel like I have played a role, if not big then small at least, in him being in the stressful situation that he is in now. He always tells me that he's surprised to that I'm still with him, even though he's not able to buy me things like most other guys do for their ladies, but our relationship has always been based on emotional support for each other. None of that really ever mattered. I know, it's contradicting to say that I've been supporting him fully, but also distracting him - but it's true. He's too old to be in the situation that he's in right now, hopefully my decision helps him in the end.

*i have my shit straight, just get YOUR shit straight.

School's getting back in! Registrations are in 6 hours for me, I should be sleeping. Instead, I decided to wake up & get on the internet. Glad my trusty computer is always here to keep me company in the late hours of the night. 15 days until school starts. That's exciting. I remember being in 9th grade & thinking everybody was so cool. All the guys were hot, all the girls were pretty. Now I'm on a totally different spectrum. So now, I'm on a full school year's worth of a mission to complete. It's called MISSION: GRADUATION & after that comes the beginning of another stage of my life. I'm really just excited about everything. I have a feeling this year's going to be a very good one, considering it's my last. It's time for me to finally "let my hair down" & enjoy it, for once.