got a lot to say. but so little time. be back soon!

loving lauryn hill's "i gotta find peace of mind"

this song makes me feel so serene.

The beginning of Seniority

Here goes the 5th day of Senior year, and I'm already sitting here thinking how much of a jumble my mind is in. So many things to do, so little time. Well, that's what it feels like. SAT's and ACT's are eating at my brain, even though I don't plan to take it until around early November. Now I know I have to prepare for it and be ready. The one that comes first is October 18th or somewhere around there, but I've decided I'll wait until my brain gets back on track. I finally got my classes switched around. I have a full schedule this semester, so next semester I will only have 3 classes (at the least), which is what my goal was. Second semester should be looking like school during the morning and work in the afternoon. How would that work with JROTC being 6th hour? I'll make it work somehow. Now that that's out of the way ... 

Everything here is just chill. It is almost just dull to me. I know I was really excited, and I am happy to be back in school. Maybe I'm just waiting for everything to pop off immediately, but with school just barely getting back in, not everybody is moving as fast as I am. 

...in school & gotta go. class is almost over, i`ll finish this later.

This song is so nice. Pretty Wings by Maxwell. I have been listening to it non-stop for the past few days, it's been the main track in my lonesome pity party. Today it rains ... I think that's the end of the sunshine. Where is it when you really need it? So, my sister is coming up here from Fresno to get herself together, because Fresno wasn't doing as well as she thought it would. Well, it never really served her well for a while, in my opinion. She was doing better here, it's just that her and my mom bump heads too much. I'm also bumping heads with my mom, the level of understanding is just not the same. I wish we had a better relationship, but sometimes I just don't know how to get her to understand what I'm saying and my point of view. I can understand her, but she can't understand me. That's how I feel about it, anyway. I mean, I shut myself out from her lately because I feel neglected in a way. The fact that she told me she'd keep the Eclipse for me and then she lets her husband's son use it for work, gets mad about it, then unreasonably decides to sell it. Then she decides to buy a ticket for Darly & give her the car. I needed that car for my Senior year too. I hate depending on people to take me places, here & there. I hate it. It makes me feel stupid, like here I am all independent in making money and work and school and shit like that, but I don't have my own ride. It's just the fact that I feel like I've been here with my mom forever and I hardly ever ask her for anything, and she can't even give me a car but she'll give it to the other daughter who's done her wrong so many times (no hard feeilngs towards my sister) ... & then there's the whole doubting thing about me and my future. I don't knwo why, my mom has never seen me at my best. She always sees me at my worst, and/or less than best. She's the only person who thinks I won't succeed in life. And it hurts to know that.

Anyways, Darly's coming back up so it's a good thing. I won't be as lonely anymore. I feel like it's time for me to go MIA. After this number shuts down and I get my new one, I'll probably just keep to myself for a lil while. I don't want to, but I might not go through with it. Everytime I try to go MIA and keep on the low, it never works because I always get lonely and want to be aorund people or with someone. But Darly's coming, so now I have a companion, not just a companion but she's my sister and everytime we've lived together we've always bumped heads. But that's when we were younger and I thought she was the most horrible person in the world. We've grown, and so now I'm curious as to how it's going to be. If anything, she'll be my backbone and I'll be hers.

sticks and stones

Words have always affected me badly. It's always been easy to get to me through saying anything and everything. I'm easily offended, amused, pissed, etc ...

Which is why even though you aren't supposed to mean anything to me anymore, which you do, and you always will ... It still hurts. What you said.

You never said sorry.

You were the last person who I thought would ever say anything like that to me. And you are the first person, besides Michelle Rivera, (and how funny you two are so tight with each other now), that has said anything that cruel to me...

It still hurts ... and I'm still trying to deal with it. I'm still crying about it, I'm still thinking about it. Even though I didn't hear it come out of your mouth, and even though it was stupid little texts ... they still caused a tremendous amount of pain.

All I could think is "How could you?"

Everything has been looking up, but for various reasons I've been so unhappy.

Even though I got money coming in, even though school's back in, it doesn't take my mind off of every other little situation going on in my life right now.

Recently, things have changed tremendously.

-New JROTC teachers

-The rumble, the loss of "her" (not that it was that big of a loss to me)

-Losing him because of something someone said and did

It all ties in together. Everything does. If it weren't for her, if it werent' for him, if it weren't for them ... I wish I had never talked to her again. I wish they didn't work together. I wish they didn't talk. I wish I never went to that party. I wish I never got drunk and passed out. I wish no one had ever said anything, and just kept everything quiet like I chose to.

I actually just wish I had never met either of them, or the people who go along with it.

This whole summer was so ... overwhelmingly eventful and veryfucking CRAZY. I don't know how to explain it anyhow. I hope the summer does not mirror the image of what my Senior year will be like. Maybe now that I am in school again and actually have important things to prioritize on my list, I won't involve myself in such ways that will make me feel this way.

It's impossible to be completely happy right now. I try and try to put a smile on and act like everything is okay, but really they are not. I wish I wasn't affected like this. I wish I could just be stronger and look over it, and move on to the future. For now, that won't work. I have this gut feeling in my stomach and it feels indescribable, not in a good way either.

Honestly, her...

sometimes i don't even know what to think anymore. i wish i knew what was running through people's minds. these days i catch too many who don't know how to jus be real & say it. "say whatcha need to say" as john mayer said.

i always feel like what i'm saying to this person isn't being believed. and i guess part of it is my fault cos of what happened before. but i really do find it hard to trust you again.

shit i ain't trying to get let down and/or fuck another friendship or relationship up. sorry i have problems of my own already. but it doesn't help that you and i don't see eye to eye on a lot of things & have two different mind sets.

i won't elaborate on that.

...

i don't see the pretty side of you anymore. maybe the first night, cos there was that wonder lingering in the air & something just had to be done about it, but ... now? i feel totally opposite. like, i know i could have you but i don't want you cos you're not appealing to me anymore. i know your true colors, and they're ugly to me. i couldn't stand to be with someone who makes people feel low and disgusting about themselves. verbal abuse is way over the top. i'm glad your life is full of "entertainment", i would call it.

i'll just leave it at that.

feel good hit of the summer

MSG Perry, Me & Casey Waters

The past few days have been spent busting my ass at work, but I know that when my next paycheck comes, it will pay off. I don't know if it's a bad thing or not, but money really does make me happy. Just the fact that you know you've earned it on your own, and you can do whatever the hell you wanna do with it. Well, almost. Another four months for me until I can fully do what I really want to do with my money. As far as I know, though, I've always been managing my shit since the age of 14. I admit that I do have a little bit of a money spending problem, especially on food. If there is anything I need to work on, it's my spending habits. Especially if I'm in the process of trying to get MISSION: LAS VEGAS done. Oh yeah, I've decided that leaving the last week of December is not that possible for me at the moment, considering all the things I have to spend money on and the amount of money I'm making. So, I've decided that I'll go for another holiday next year, after New Years, that way it'd be more possible and I wouldn't go down there so broke!

I recently found out that MSG Perry has been forced to resign from his position at JROTC Instructor at East. I'm sad, torn up, & mad all at the same time. I know that it wasn't his decision to leave, if there was anything that he NEVER wanted to do (at this moment), it was leaving his children at JROTC. It makes me reconsider even going back for the fourth year. I know that's really ... childish of me to say. But I honestly do feel that way. JROTC is not just another elective class to me, it has been something that I've grown a deep passion & love for, which is why I put my all & my hard work into it, and MSG Perry has been there with me for the whole nine yards. Through all the times I would come to school down & out, crying, feeling hopeless, when I was busting my ass for the program, he was there, and he always made sure that I knew I was being appreciated. Which leads me to say that he has basically become the one & only father figure in my life since I started Freshman year. He's not dead or anything, I know, but him not being there for my Senior year is a big deal for me. Before Junior year ended, we all sat there talking about how great next year is going to be and how much we're going to do and what we had planned...that big shit was gonna be poppin & it was going to be one of the best years that JROTC ever had. It was enough that SFC Wilson left us, because he had grown on me too, he had grown to be another father figure in my life. And now they're both gone.

The question that still remains is: Will I stay or will I go?

I feel like if I leave, then I'm leaving the program hanging. I know for a fact that there are cadets that are partly depending on me to help the program excel. I've worked so hard for the position that I am in now, why give it up because MSG Perry left? I know he wouldn't want me to do that. I feel like if I leave the program, then I leave my cadets hanging, and I care for them way too much to leave them hanging like that, especially when I have a choice.

I will give the two new instructors (whoever they are) the benefit of the doubt, because anything is possible. Therefore it is very possible that these two new instructors will serve the program like MSG Perry & SFC Wilson did, or maybe even better. Maybe they will lead us into winning a drill season, maybe they will drive our new cadets to be more motivated, maybe ... just maybe. But all I can really do is sit here & see how it all goes. I still say though, no matter what, nobody will ever make an impact on the cadets & the program like MSG Perry did.

I'm just counting down the days til ...

#1. My road test

#2. Senior year starts

#3. Jenni's birthday

#4. AC's debut/18th birthday

#5. My 18th birthday/the day freedom completely rings for me

#6. Las Vegas w/ Lars

Time is just too expensive.

rescue you

THis song is probably one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard. I love Jake Epstein, I love Degrassi. I love this song, and I love Ellie Nash. =) Her character was so deserving of this song ... I wish this were written for me!

Venting.

One of the things that hurts the most is being doubted by the ones that we call family. For me, I get irritated at the thought and action of even being doubted to begin with. Especially when you work so hard for what you want and need & when you've workED so hard for all the things you've accomplished. I know that I sure as hell have accomplished a lot for a person my age, I'm confident in that. I know I've done other things that most other teenagers haven't done. I know my future is bright, and I know that I have a lot in store for me. But my own family can't see that. My family's thoughts of me are clouded by ancient relic visions of what my sister USED to be. There is a pro & a con to being the youngest sibling of the family. The pro is that you get to learn from your older sibling's mistakes, but the con is that you're always being told to not be what or do what your older siblings have done that are considered "bad". Growing up, I've always had to deal with being told NOT to be like my older sister because she was the problem child out of the three of us. Right now, my plans for my future are all set. I know what I want to do, all I have to do is just ONE THING: Graduate. And I know for damn sure that I am going to graduate, on time, and even early if I really wanted to do it. It's sad to think that my family thinks the complete opposite. Simultaneously, I am driven to succeed even more and I am being pushed away from them. This is bad. I feel almost like I have to get revenge on everybody for doubting me to begin with! I'm tired of getting voicemails that say I'm out messing around, and I'm never going to graduate. I'm going to drop out of school. I'm going to get married at a young age. I'm tired of it. When I look around everyday and see WORSE kids than me. I may not be perfect, but I sure as hell am not a problem child. Even though I branch out & do things that aren't acceptable to my family, I still have my head on straight and I am responsible for the shit that I do. Call me bad, call me whatever you want. I know what I am and I know who I will be in the future. It's just too bad that all this bullshit and doubting me is bringing me down so bad that I don't even want to be around the family anymore, not that they are around. It just makes me not want to talk to anybody anymore. So don't be surprised if I never called you back or picked up your phone call. I'm tired of hearing negative shit from the people who are supposed to keep me positive.

Presiden'ts Fooling You!

"SPRINKLE ME TIME"

--some info that may be useful for people who like them "thangs"

*for those who KNOW what I am talking about.

I got a text from a friend of mine, who said he had white, blue, & orange Obama thangs. Along with green Snoopies & green Smurfs. So I decided to search up on some reports on these "thangs" ... on a VERY USEFUL site that I stumbled upon.

In conclusion, I say DON'T DO IT. They are only piperazines, nothing that you want to consume. Although, the pressed faces on these Obama heads are cool as hell! I'd buy one just to keep as a little souvenir, ahha!

Whirlwind

I know it's been a hot minute since I've blogged in here, but I figured I would start back up again (not that I haven't been blogging on Myspace recently) but I like the feel of discreet blogging at this website.

It's crazy how things can be so good, then turn around & be the complete opposite. Dan & I broke up, with me being the main person to put things on hold & "take a break" for now. I had been thinking about everything we've gone through in the period of 2-3 months, and we've gone through a lot of things in such a short time. Our lives have definitely been more eventful the day that we decided to start to be a part of each other's lives. From day one, our loved ones hated on one another. A couple people out of his family perceived me as being something I really am not, and my mom got a bad first impression of him, and had to hear about us through other people besides her own daughter. But in the course of the 2-3 months, we have grown to love each other & continued to be with each other because the relationship was/is about us, not them.

Things have settled down since then, that was just the first part of our relationship. July proved to be a better month, but we haven't even made it to this 4th of August, and we're already broken up. Should I think this to be a mistake, or the right decision? Someone told me I was "fucked up" for breaking up with him, with the situation that he's in right now. That really got to me ... but nevertheless, I strongly feel that I made the right decision for US, together & individually. FYI, Dan is going through a hard time with living & financial situations. The whole point for me to put things on hold for the both of us was because I felt like we both needed our own personal time to get our shit back together. School will be coming up for me in a matter of two weeks, not to mention I will be working part time, and JROTC events will kill me as soon as I get in. It's time to get to work, and this last year counts very much for it has a lot to do with my future and what I'm about to do. Can you blame me for doing me? It's not just "doing me" either. I know Dan needs my moral support, but I'm still there for moral support. We literally spend everyday with each other & I have realized that it's a big distraction for him, and it causes him to not get what he needs to get done, done. I feel like I have played a role, if not big then small at least, in him being in the stressful situation that he is in now. He always tells me that he's surprised to that I'm still with him, even though he's not able to buy me things like most other guys do for their ladies, but our relationship has always been based on emotional support for each other. None of that really ever mattered. I know, it's contradicting to say that I've been supporting him fully, but also distracting him - but it's true. He's too old to be in the situation that he's in right now, hopefully my decision helps him in the end.

*i have my shit straight, just get YOUR shit straight.

School's getting back in! Registrations are in 6 hours for me, I should be sleeping. Instead, I decided to wake up & get on the internet. Glad my trusty computer is always here to keep me company in the late hours of the night. 15 days until school starts. That's exciting. I remember being in 9th grade & thinking everybody was so cool. All the guys were hot, all the girls were pretty. Now I'm on a totally different spectrum. So now, I'm on a full school year's worth of a mission to complete. It's called MISSION: GRADUATION & after that comes the beginning of another stage of my life. I'm really just excited about everything. I have a feeling this year's going to be a very good one, considering it's my last. It's time for me to finally "let my hair down" & enjoy it, for once.

Surved

Who was the last male you talked to?
--In person, it was DanDan. Then Boykey hit me up on MyspaceIM.

Who is someone that can always make you laugh?
--Aldo! He's freaking hilarious, I always tell him that though. He's just so animated.

What were you doing at 10am this morning?
--Laying on the couch, trying to get up but was feeling too comfortable to get the hell off the couch. I was probably talking to DanDan too.

What were you doing an hour ago?
--Probably chillin' with DanDan or on my way home.

Do you plan on moving within the next year?
--No, not quite yet. It wouldn't be a good idea to do that just now.

Are you wearing anything on your feet?
--I'm wearing two pairs of socks.

What are you looking forward to in the next 3 months?
--The rest of the summer yet to come, flag football conditioning, and making bank in one weekend! Holla!

Do you remember your dreams?
--Yes, most of them. I had a weird dream last night.

When/who was your last hug?
--My last hug was Evil, and it was last night when he was leaving.

Have you been to a baby shower?
--Yezzir.

What color is your hair brush?
--It's silver and black.

Do you watch the Super Bowl?
--Not really.

What about World Cup?
--Negative.

Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
--No, but I have all these stuffed animals & things on my bed. They're just there to be there, though. They were gifts, but I don't really sleep with them. I'll hug a pillow, lol.

What is the last movie you watched?
--Lock, Stock, and Two Barrels. I think that was the name of the movie ... some Ska film. It was pretty crazy!

What movie do you think everyone should watch?
--Corky Romano!

Do you have your future children's names picked out?
--HAHA, if I have children, I like Isaiah as a name for a boy and Isabelle for a girl. Cute names that start with I, because not many people's names start with I.

What color is your mailbox?
--White?

Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
--It depends which way you're coming from, but there are two ways that you could go where you cross a bridge to get to my house.

What brand is your computer printer?
--I don't have a computer printer. I mean, I do, but I don't have the cords for it so I don't consider that actually HAVING a printer.

How many cars can fit in your driveway?
--I don't know, it's an apartment building and the tenants park their cars on the sides of the road outside the building and my mom's Lexus is the only car that parks in the one parking spot right outside the apartment.

Are you taller than your mom?
--Heck yes.

Do you have any bruises right now?
--Yes, I have lots of bruises that I don't even know happened.

Are you cold right now?
--No, not really. I'm up in a tank top. It feels good.

Do any of your close friends have kids?
--Yes.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now?
--Yes, I know many people who are preggo right now.

What brand are your favorite jeans you own?
--Forever 21, lol and they're also ripped at the thighs but I still wear those motherfuckers.

What is the closest red object to you?
--The case for the lights that Eazy gave me.

What is your favorite video game?
--Right now, it's Fear 2 and Call of Duty: World at War.

Have you ever broken a pinata?
--I've helped break it, but I wasn't the person who hit it and caused it to break at the end.

Do you have an iPod or Mp3 player?
--My iPod got stolen, again.

If someone doesn't like you its probably because?
--I don't know, there could be a lot of various reasons. Maybe because they might have been offended by something I said or did?

Have you ever crawled through a window?
--LOL, I be doing that almost every damn day.

Do you lose your keys often?
--No, not really!

How many keys are on your key chain?
--There are at least four of them. Two are my house & apartment keys and the other two are my room keys.

When was your last encounter with the police?
--Like 3 - 4 days ago, when Sutdan got pulled over for studded tires.

Do you sing in the shower?
--Yes, but only when no one's home.

Do you always wear your seat belt in the car?
--Yes, I have to. When I'm in the back, I'm less cautious about it but I still end up putting it on, it's just not the first thing I do like when I'm in the front seat.

What is annoying you right at this moment?
--The internet is madd slow!

Easy does it well

I have to get back on my feet and get my shit together, because I admit, since I was 14, I made my own money, did a lot on my own, and now it's the total opposite. That vacation to Hawaii killed me - I mean, yes, it was the time of my life, but I could have done a lot better money managing there. Lately, my life everyday has been occurring around a sausage fest. Nothing but the niggas been around lately, well mostly the niggas.

So, what's been really happening lately?

Eazy just left, and it's not the same at the house anymore. Granted, we just met each other like maybe a month or less ago, but being around them everyday (and night), you learn a lot about the people you're with in such a short time. It just depends how often you're with that person. Eazy's one of those people that you won't ever forget because his personality is the type that makes you feel hyped and happy. I guess that even though I have known him for a short amount of time (so far), I've learned a lot from just being around him and talking to him. It's weird without him being around, usually we'll wake up to Eazy's music bumpin downstairs while he's getting ready in that scary/lonely ass basement. I'll see him again though, that's guaranteed. $5 DOLLARS A FISH!

I now have two baby palm trees, but those motherfuckers look dead. Before Eazy left, he asked me to take these two baby palm trees and revive them. I thought that the guys were pullin some tricky shit on me, because I was watering it and the water wasn't being absorbed, it was coming back out from the little pan thing on the bottom (idk what it's called, I'm not a plant person) and I looked at the barcode sticker on the pot, it said "bonsai in plastic container" ... So I thought to myself, "If this was the real thing, why would it say something obvious on the sticker like the fact that it's in a plastic container? Did these losers get these from the trick store?!" I know that sounds really ridiculous for me to think that, but these guys know I'm gullible so anything could go you know. Anyways! Eazy handed these baby palm trees to me to take care of and I named one of them after him (Eazy) and the other one's name is E. hahahahaaha I'll change a name later, I couldn't come up with one.

I know that everyone is wondering "I thought Inmaly was supposed to leave?" Yes, I was supposed to leave, but there was something I was keeping from a lot of people for the past few months. After I enlisted, I was feeling okay about the whole thing, until realization starting creeping in. When I first stepped foot in to the Reserves recruiting office, I wanted to do the Guard, but I didn't know what the differences were between the Reserves and the Guard and on top of that, I went in to the wrong office. I took my ASVAB, got the scores, passed for the job that I wanted, but I didn't get the job that I wanted, I got 21Echo, Heavy Equipment Operator. At first, I thought it was done for me. I didn't want to go through with it when I didn't get the job that I wanted, but then of course the recruiters changed my mind (they would) to tell me that I could change my job later down the line and that the more jobs I have in the Army, the more experience, the more help I would have later getting a job in the civilian world. YES, THAT'S TRUE, BUT... Why go through 3 months of training for an MOS that I'm going to eventually change and then have to go through some more training again for my new MOS? I don't wanna go back & forth, and yes, I'd like to have a lot of job experience, but I feel like I would be wasting time doing something that I won't want to be doing. That's not a risk I'm willing to take, I mean, what if something happens where I couldn't switch jobs after all? Nothing is ever guaranteed. So, I finally got the balls to go in and tell my recruiter and the station commander that I wasn't going to be shipping off to basic training anymore, and they told me bullshit coming out of their ass: I won't be able to enlist ever again. I'm messing up my future. Worse, they thought that I was scared to be going to basic training. No, I was scared that I would realize I made a mistake and know that it was too late for me to turn back after I was sworn in the second time and signed the contract for the final time before I ship off to basic. I came strong in the end, though. I know I made the right decision and I know not to settle for less when it comes to things like this, it was my future. I had to do what was right.

So, that's what's going on. I'm still trying to look for a job over here, nothing's happening so far but I know I haven't been trying hard enough. I have been having more fun than trying to find work, so I know that's me. Watch me come out on top again.

Last Minute Jitters!

My future plans weren't to join the military ... not quite yet anyways. The original plan was to go to New Mexico Military Institute and then get commissioned. Well, shit changes: Mom didn't want me to be so far. So, I said fuck it, I had been walking past that recruiting office for forever, working @ Northway Mall in Gottschalks. On my lunch breaks, regular breaks, and off work, I walk past that recruiting station wondering if that's what I should be doing? One time they even tried to pull me in there themselves, but I was on my break and I had to go back, no time for convincing Inmaly to join the Army. I knew that if I ever was to join, I wanted to do the Air Force, not the Army. The recruiting station was all the way on the othe side of town though, so it was hard for me to access that recruiting station. The Army station was just right there. So, I did it. I evn went through hell trying to pass that pee test! I swore in, signed my contracts, and now I'm off to Basic in a week.

I have the last minute jitters. Well, maybe not so last minute. It's the fact that I did everything so quickly. It all happened so quickly, I didn't think it would happen like that. For one, I didn't get the MOS I wanted, but I plan to change that as soon as I can. For two, I honestly think peoples' words are gettting to me about how I should have joined the Guard or the Air Force. I kow I have an advantage w/ the Guard because SSG Preito and MSG Nieves, I know them and they hook people up with jobs. & with the Air Force, everybody knows is better.

I feel like I made the wrong decison, joining the Army Reserves. I can turn back now, I haven't swore in and signed the final contract for the final time ... but I built myself up to leave, and now I feel this way? My instincts are strong, telling me something in this picture is wrong.

What the hell do I do?

Weekend recap.

...What was Kanye West thinking when he was shooting his "Flashing Lights" video?  Anyways, the bitch is fine & has a bangin' body.  Just thought I'd point it out: her name is Rita G & she's a Playmate, if I'm not mistaken.  ---- This weekend was Starla's graduation party at the hall.  Now, every time we rent out that hall to throw a party, there's always something guaranteed to happen.  Anything & everything & everyone shows up/happens.  The night was pretty good, everybody was feelin' good.  Vic was DJing, more people started arriving, and people finally started to get on the dance floor.  I know I was! (haha) It was nice seeing all these random faces.  Tasha came through randomly with Ina & I didn't even know she could be out that late!  Also ended up w/ Nancy & Leeanna at Raymond's place, where I knocked out at for the night.

Saturday & Sunday hung out with Suttan.  I didn't really want to go out because of the fact that Friday night was enough for me.  I was tired & didn't feel like drinking.  So, me and Suttan kicked back and watched some movies (The Descent, Blow, Talladega Nights, & The Hitcher) We would have gone out & enjoyed the weather more if it wasn't for his crippled self! (hahaha, just kidding Suttan) Went out for some sushi too then back to the crib for more movies.  Sunday night, went to Sone's with Suttan to drop some off to Starla & ended up hanging out with the girls -- then I went home.

It was nice.

It's the last week of school, so that means finals start tomorrow.    I think I'm going to fail consumer econ, but I have a back-up plan if that happens.  As the days pass, the closer I come to leaving for basic...I need to start taking Niacin, soon.

Chances

"I finally came around. I'm back on solid ground, can't let it get me down."

In the past, I've taken too many chances. Chances equals risks, and so I've risked my heart, my time, and my emotions on many things. I've taken so many risks with decisions I've been making that now I don't even know what's right and wrong anymore. I go with what my instincts tell me, but lately my instincts have been telling me wrong. I've been trying to do that whole "live for the moment" type stuff, but that's been getting me into nothing but trouble, confusion, and stress. I know I know I know, after going through all those risk-taking experiences and taking chances on people who I don't have enough knowledge about and getting hurt in the end, I'd say that I'm going to quit taking chances on things and people...

...Until another one comes along. I guess it's a little different this time because I've been through it with *him before, in a way. I know how it is to be with him (not physically, but mentally & emotionally). I'm almost too scared to even take another step with *him because of how things ended up last time, but I understand how and why that happened. I believe it was my fault, because thinking back on it, you did what you could do and you did what was right for you. Everything happens for a reason, though, and even though we strayed away from each other for a while, look where we ended up right back again? With each other. Well, not literally, although I wish it was so. I've learned to let fate happen as it pleases, chill & let it be. I love to hear from you, but should I let you be the one to hit me up on your own time? Sometimes I tell myself I won't call or text, but I can't help but do that - it's my only way to you and for you to know how I feel.

See, that's another thing. I wish I could hide my emotions well, but I can't. If I'm feeling one way or another, I have to let it be known. Well, it's not the fact that I have to let it be known, I just don't know how to hide my feelings very well. It's a habit for me to display my emotions, so get used to the fact that I'm going to tell you how I feel from now on. There's another risk that I take.

If all else fails ... if things end up the way they did before, or if things go another direction - (who knows?) ... I'm still going to be here. It will just be another lesson learned.

Here's to taking a chance on you. & here it begins...

Sickness in 3rd Period

So, since I've returned from Fresno I've been sick.  It's been a week and a half or maybe even two weeks now.  It feels like forever just because of the fact that I never get sick.  Well, not never, but rarely ever do I catch a cold/fever/any type of sickness.  Unless I have a  hangover, but that's a different story.  

Last night I was not able to sleep - AT ALL because of this sickness I have.  I almost want to say that it's the swine flu, but everybody starts freaking out when I say that.  I don't have the swine flu, I don't think so anyways.  But damn, I'm tired of not being able to sleep because of this damn cough.  Not to mention, it gets really awkward when you're in class and it's quiet, except for this consistent cough coming out of me.  My throat's getting better, but it will be a matter of time until it starts getting sore again.  

I guess it's just that time of year where everybody gets sick.  Summer's kickin' it = hello allergies!  It's a good thing that I don't have allergies =) (Sorry Ni!) ... 

On a random note, I truly believe in the quote, "If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be." But then again, shit happens.

Hmm, something I really don't like about myself is the fact that it's very hard for me to hide my true feelings.  Sometimes that leads me to trouble.  (Just a random thought)

Well I'm in my 3rd class with nothing to do.  It's different without Starla here & Manny, Neico, and Terrell.  I miss those losers.

Signing out for now.

--Inmaly

Jurassic 5 Ft. Nelly Furtado - Thin Line

Thin Line ft. Nelly Furtado - Jurassic 5
(click for the full version on iMeem)

"We been friends for a long time
A very close friend of mine
Love you like you was mine
But respect the thin line
I love you like you was mine
Think about you all the time
Very close friend of mine
But respect the thin line"

jrotc

I'm tired of settling for less.

Have you ever worked so hard for something? Put so much time, dedication, emotion, stress, and effort just to build yourself to put confidence in to your own work so you can get to the top? Only to be let down, in the end & find out you didn't quite get what you worked for.



I was the one that stayed after four hours late trying to make things perfect for inspections.

I was the one that took charge of the team and tried to make things happen.

I was the one that came back after almost a year of not being able to be there.

I was the one that was up for anything that you asked me to do.

I was the one that went the extra mile.



It makes me re-think everything. Should I even go back for more? I mean, I got what I wanted out of this program and it has made me in to a better person & I got the enter the Army as an E-3 instead of an E-1, with 3 years of this program. But ... I sacrificed a lot of time that I wanted for other things, that I chose not to put any time in to because I wanted to give my all to this program.



Don't get me wrong, I believe that the fact that He got the position is good for the program too. But there's a difference between being jealous and knowing that you deserved and earned that position.



I've always settled for less. I was always second place, in everything.
Maybe it's a sign that I should move on to something better.